My benefactor Harlan Crow is no Nazi

Would a Nazi invite me to his yacht and fund my causes?

I know many of you are curious about Harlan Crow, the previously obscure billionaire who has been giving lavish gifts and vacations to Justice Clarence Thomas, as well as at least $500,000 to his wife.

So lets answer question on everybody’s mind: Harlan Crow is not a Nazi.

You might ask how I can be so sure, with the reports of Crow having Nazi memorabilia in his home.

For one very good reason: Would a Nazi support my research, my political causes, host me at his home?¹ I think not.

You see, it is my close connection to Harlan Crow, and his generosity towards me that allows me to have such clear objectivity on this issue.

Still skeptical? Not for long.

Many fine voices greeted the news that Clarence Thomas failed to report gifts that allowed him to pow-wow with corporate executives and other conservatives in luxurious surroundings by also making clear Harlan Crow is the furtherest thing from a Nazi.

Here is Professor Charles Murray testifying to the innate decency of Harlan Crow. Would a man best known for his work on race and IQ befriend, agree to have portrait painted with, and dedicate two of his books to someone who was a Nazi? Hardly!

The good people at The Atlantic are busy and have not had the time to do any writing about the implications of a Supreme Court Justice pocketing lots of resources from a billionaire conservative activist. They have only managed to write one piece about the kerfuffle. But with unerring accuracy they focus on the key point: Harlan Crow is no Nazi! Graeme Wood was at his house once for cocktails, and observed no-one, least of all the host, wearing a Nazi uniform.

Case closed!

Lawyer Ilya Shapiro did have time to label accusations against Justice Thomas as a “nothingburger.” He did not dignify the accusations of Nazism, no doubt to protect the blushes of Kathy Crow, Harlan “not a Nazi” Crow’s wife, who sits on the board of the Manhattan Institute, where Ilya works.

Editor of The Dispatch, Jonah Goldberg has also clarified the Nazi accusations: “Harlan Crow is a good man and the farthest thing from a Nazi.” Jonah’s credentials are unimpeachable here. He is the author of “Liberal Fascism” and so if anyone would be willing to label someone a Nazi based on little evidence it would be Jonah.

And, as The Dispatch points out “Harlan Crow is a minority investor in The Dispatch and a friend of the founders.” Former Dispatch editor, NY Times columnist, and frequent guest of Crow, David French also drew attention to the main issue — the only issue really — that Harlan Crow is not a Nazi.

So I hope this clears it all up. Time to move on!

Of course, I understand that the scowling jackals who have never enjoyed the warmth of Harlan’s beneficence want to engage in a little cancel culture. How predictable! They want to talk about “Justice Thomas this” and “Ginni Thomas that” or how Harlan spent untold millions trying to shape who is on the Supreme Court and the decisions that it makes. Don’t let them distract you!

Instead, heed the counsel of those of us who know Harlan best, via close personal friendships built up on his estate, his Adirondacks retreat, yacht, or various donations to our work. You simply cannot buy this sort of intimate objectivity.

The only question we should be talking about is whether Harlan is a Nazi. And we can tell you in no uncertain terms that he is not. His exquisite taste in fine wine, art, various historical memorabilia and exotic vacations should be all the evidence anyone needs. His largesse towards those of us who share his distinctly non-Nazi views puts the case beyond all doubt.

This is also why efforts to smear Justice Thomas fall flat. By bringing Clarence into this golden bubble of gilded objectivity, the refined circle of those who who see things clearly, Harlan removed any potential conflicts of interests by removing conflict in opinion.

You may never make it to Harlan’s yacht, but I hope this glimpse into our world should reassure you that we have your best interests at heart. Now that I’ve answered all of your questions about this storm-in-a-teacup, please return to whatever you were doing before!

Look, if Harlan is guilty of anything, it is simply investing in friendships amongst like-minded thinkers that pay dividends in one way or another.

For that is how these things work.

1. I hope this does not need saying, especially for regular readers, but just in case: this piece is satire. I do not know Harlan Crow. If he wants to fly me on his private jet to yacht around to some exotic location so I can write a non-parody version of this piece, I am open to offers.